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Three-Eleven…

yesterday was a solid day of resting and a succulent derivative of the excitement of the today that is in store for my love and i tonight, for concert-goers we will be with nervous anticipation because of a first in both of our lives, and tonight we are going to a positive vibe merchant show that neither of us has ever seen live before… my only experiences with positive vibes has been a nostalgic one through memory fog of childhood recollections, as the early education of my musical ear was began in a combination of weed and dreams at first with stoner mates among me, but group adventures were lazy and most times unfocused in direction thanks to a small town limiting of options until driving came into interest for the friendlies Here… then a whole slew of options opened up for all of us, even those of us without the requisite licenses like myself became swept up into the motion fueled by figuring out how to acquire drugs like acid and x becoming the new sport, and i started my debauched career after teenaged bouts of gaming (of the roleplay variety) in-between sessions of smoked-out stoned and dazed “hanging out” with friends… this is what i recall when i start reminiscing over the previous “positive” vibes received, but quickly the negative gremlins of the real world started taking the wind out of my sails at this time as well, making my self-awareness bound out of my head like fireworks popping and hissing as the explosive charge came forward… my “friends” had called me the ‘whiny, goth prick’ for a reason i suppose, and i was overcome by the so-many-things going on all at once a confusion that sits with me still… it was Here perhaps that i first experienced my personal truths through stoned and psychedelic revelry with these psychic space companions, but it was not on par with the Leary or Kesey experiments as the experiences Here only helped to get one out of the small town mindset that inflicted itself to create the biased affliction that i deal with every day, people suck frankly and i lack skill to interact with others with any real courtesy… today was the lesson of all lessons repeating and coming back to destroy the emotional sanity between us… we weren’t rushing through the day to get ready, but time was flying by enough to make me feel slower than i had to be when i have trouble being ambitious with goals, i didn’t help with directions and all my acts were snarky and reactionary even though i thought i could keep a positive vibe going… my love was “overheating” because of the sudden realization that we had needed to fill the automobile with gas, and i spoke without thinking about what was a serious matter which sent love right out the window, the social manipulation between friends that comes out showing there is no harmony between us that hasn’t just been a learned behavior through repetition… the explosion was in the car and it threw iced tea all over me because that was just one of the indicators of rage that i had imbued my enemy with, so now in regret of my actions i silently took myself into me, but this makes me a worse person to deal with up-close and in person because of the need for interaction between human beings… after a tense yelling match compounded by hate and negative emotional energy blazing all over the place between us, we were going to the concert finally because even though i like the band i am not an equally as rabid fan of their work as my partner Here, and we threw regretted lip service all throughout the automobile as tensions renewed when we got to the venue after losing the path a couple of times… the venue and parking were abominable because of the faux wealthy atmosphere of the area, we were getting in just as the first headliner was finishing their set and standing in line for beer to cope with the stress of the driving just before, but i couldn’t let go of my angst and upset feelings just like the child i am even though she was sorry for getting so terribly furious with my behavior… i was being the selfish creep all night until the beer hit all the right spots after almost half an hour to forty-five minute wait, with the outdoor freshness getting more dense with each spliff lit up in excited relay of commemoration for the good time shared by everyone else but me this night, but my partner was gladly being friendly with a few of those fans who had come out to enjoy this show as well… they played a very good set which ended somewhere around ten thirty i believe, i was dancing and having a good time as i realized, but that was not the only reason to be there as i was not alone and my partner needed me to be there that night… it felt good that she made such an acquaintance with the two fellow fans she had met and befriended, i chose to be with her because i could give her the love she needed, but the thought that i knew what kind of love i wanted has been discovered false by our consistent breakdowns in communication… even the positive vibe couldn’t relieve the strain that has become a trademark for our relationship now, a piecemeal compact after the worse of the emotional energy channels through us into insults and perceived slights that manipulate both of us to contribute to a negative feedback loop, and after all these years together with only the two of us i can’t help the opinion that we are both addicted by this submission to negative energy… i feel as though her growth is more advanced and much more developed than mine, but i also realize that we are on divergent paths leading to similar but not the same goals for personal freedom, i am being childish to no end… is there end to this spastic retardation for me?…

Thanks, khet.