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the Mayhem that Saturday has Created.

it was tough seeking out fun things to do, but she knew what she wanted, I stood there ready for wherever the day took us… we both had woke up feeling fine, I suppose, but nothing could have prepared us for the embarrassment that the night would close on… early in the evening, the careless demons started to take a solid control of my life, and all this before sushi was even eaten… I can’t get too descriptive because of the late-night blackout, but some of the details leading to oblivion are quite clear to me now… the sushi was great, a restaurant we both frequent very often when we can, and had some beer and sake to go with our meal… this is where the buzzing began, and I can sense now that she knows when I start to be liberate of sanity, some people don’t enjoy the inebriation of other people… she has seen me through many phases of my sinister demon face, and vehemently dislikes those times when my speech begins to slur, my eyes begin to turn shades of red… the fear of attention from the unwanted forces that be, but we were both set to have a good time, so it seemed to us… after the sushi feast, we meaning me were buzzing a bit from the combined effort, and decided to go to one of the many pubs lining the street there… there was mention of getting pissed drunk because it had been awhile, but I ask, why do people make these same wrong choices again and again?… we reached the pub, and ordered whiskey and soda for the two of us, our conversation was relaxed even among the fascist pig dogs in my head… the life hadn’t begun to be slowly drained until a few drinks later, after accosting in a sense the total stranger who happened to speak of the all-coveted dro, and by then I was drunk enough to insinuate us into the conversation outdoors that these unknown party people were participating in… I went back inside, fully under the sway of my careless demons again, and ordered two more drinks for she and I, not that it was needed really… she later felt that interactions with those people we met were rather negative in hindsight… after going back into the pub to finish a previous game of pool, that was when the blackout struck, and those demons mentioned earlier used and left my body in the same malicious stroke… my mind horribly unconscious and clouded during this fugue state, and later I recalled nothing of this zombie aspect unleashed from inside me… sometime after blacking out, she got us a taxi to haul us both over to another bar, but that was where the inevitable occurred… as we stepped into the newer atmosphere, my meal from earlier decided to purge itself from me in a most violent manner, and this appalling state struck me down without any cognizant awareness because I hadn’t limited my intake after eating… everyone watched, but denied our existence, so we left but my vomit trailed us… the cab got messy from what I am told, and she had to clean up the mess as the only conscious one of us, by this time I was completely gone from this world… she later told me that she had smacked me around because of my unresponsive behavior, which I think was the fully valid direction to go, but I also think that leaving me to the wolves would have been better… I probably would have learned more from the experience overall… somehow we got home, and with cigarettes nonetheless, I lost my phone to my miserable stupidity… at some point I destroyed a television while out of body, and some part of me kept using the line ‘my penis is a lighter’ to provoke an angry response from her… this was the mayhem induced by letting myself go, when you are a child people expect you to be irresponsible, but as you get older there is less and less a margin for error in these social sequences… they can quickly turn nasty, and my vomit-stained clothes were the proof of this corrupt virus that alcohol tapped into, and I forced her in-between a rock and a hard place on top of all this… it was all my fault that this night became as distorted and aborted as it was, and I have no idea how to atone because it seems like just another day has passed us by, she sees this differently and rightly so… I allowed this to happen when it could have been a different matter altogether, a pleasant night in the first place, and better memories instead of a lack of memories… I get tired of this belligerent animal that stalks out of me like a repugnant clown, straining the fabric of reality for a laugh, but ending up only with sorrow in hand… acknowledging and expressing my fuck-ups only make me seem like a self-pitying bastard to behold, playing to the attentions of anyone who will give me even the slightest slack, and I give myself way too much room to be volatile and heinous to those that matter most, now I am left to ponder whether I can hold onto a person and treat them with any respect at all… my destiny lies in the hands of the chaotic whims that I create, and the fact that I allow any of this to be a truth means I feel a severe impairment when dealing with others I like… I don’t know who I am sometimes, and it is as if I have put the blinders over my eyes on purpose, tricking or lulling those people into liking me in return… only to shit in their mouths after eating the greasy foods of their love and respect… the little things don’t add up as fast as the bad things that a person is capable of… I sit Here wondering if I am really a man or monstrous leech on the energy of others’ attentions, a waster of time and money and every effort involved, or is there some redeemable quality to my sins that I can’t see?… I kill myself with the wanton carelessness of too much always more, and I let things in without taking the immediate moment to notice a little bit closer where my wrong steps are leading me toward… I am constantly at odds with myself instead of finding the solutions in the aftermath of my behavior, but where is the enlightenment in that knowledge?… I sometimes feel like I have nothing worthwhile to strive for… not even pleasing the ones that I love, but revealing the bigger bestial picture to them all, the fear in my eyes at interacting on an actual loving basis… people love each other to get things that they want or crave, but I don’t like people too much more to even try to manipulate them to my advantage because i could not stand anyone else doing that to me… I don’t feel worthy of the adoration she gives me, and maybe I let too much of those complimentary words she says to me get the better of my concentration… I let it distract me from who I really am, I let the decent things I am sometimes capable of move me to let go, and then I become the prick I really am… distrustful and distasteful in all my manners with respect to other human beings… will I be like this until I die, or will I learn without hurting myself or others?… I get scared of how I can next fuck things up beyond repair, but somewhere, something proves me wrong…

Thanks, khet.