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misery Hates company.

antisocially, i can be considered a total asshole that isn’t even worth spitting on as that would just be giving in to my submissive projection of asking for it, and people need their emotional space when the tension gets to be too much to tolerate, then someone becomes deposed as the bad guy for injuring the feelings of another later regretted in hideously pitiful display… defensive tactics as learned from a childish authority that still somehow supersedes my adult version Here… i can think but do wonder if i can actually use logic to my advantage, i feel as though these kinds of intellectualistic pursuits are different for me than my partner and i would care to admit to each other, and i have no respect to share with others my vision out of fear of corruption by estranged ideas of capitalist motivations that are not my own… fearing a lack of vision, i am stupefied by my lack of motivation, and now the person i thought i loved is being pushed around by my emotions even as we both try to collect our bearings… now we are merely roommates trying to figure out where we stand with one another in light of opposing directions of growth, but we had known this for some time now and were trying to rearrange elements that were getting in the way of being human to each other, a lesson however which i have failed to interpret accurately and retain to progress the well-being of at least a friendship between us… it wasn’t romance in the strictest sense of the classically revered concept we all know by proxy, but is always a dynamic thing not meant to stagnate with the daft presence of daily ritual and overzealous ideas assuming the right to mismanage another’s choices, whether through incidental sabotage or outrightly questioning the validity of another person’s choices thus undermining the person’s sense of self… when this happens on a daily basis more often than not, the people get used to this cycle of despair in one way or another subconsciously realizing a place in this looping behavior, and then time-tested to become a fixed state of interaction as the space between the two people expands greater than “love” ever allowed at the time… we abuse the patterns of people we grow close to like the flip side of that strange equation that compels us to be close to another person out of affection… all the furious tension came to a head this day, folks, because of my bad attitude and my weakness to the negative assault reflected back at me… again, a trivial measure was raised between us that caused uncertainty in communication, and it was this thousandth straw that broke the camel’s back at last… we tore right through the usual upset behaviors we approach now like knights gearing up to wage an emotional battle, but when i couldn’t take the emotional barrage, i made the wrong move by smacking her in the face harder than i thought it was to calm her down… very wrong move… that just opened the floodgates of pain and anger, she then proceeded to show me what that meant to her as i fell to my knees trying to beg for forgiveness, but she couldn’t take my inconsiderate behavior anymore… she threatened to call the cops if i didn’t leave as she was pounding against me with all the fury and more that she could muster, my emotions flared and i couldn’t make sense of what was happening as my thoughts were clouded with a strong mix of fear and guilt, but somehow the collective misery pushed me out the door a sniveling coward to her wounded heart struggling to make sense of this violence… we have since re-established civil communications but sparingly because of my tendency to get off the point at inconvenient moments that provoke upset from your average courteous conversational people Here…

Thanks, khet.