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how i got here

I know anew the ‘choice into realm of physicality’ reenactment (aka as ‘the repeating Fall OBEs’) proves larger realm and graduation. It was reality’s response to my succinct question HOW DID I GET HERE?

Which was prompted by a sensing of ‘limitations’ somehow coming to a head (92ish), like why can’t I know around these walls everywhere? And I guess I was like why do I miss some freedom or knowing-around-walls if that is just not how it is here. But next thing I knew I was just asking HOW? How did I get here? Clearly I’ve known more than I do now, so where was I before and how did I come to be here?

That reality ANSWERED me, and the response itself, are real to me. Realer than you so far, realer than my hand in front of my face, realer even than the air in my lungs, though I’m extremely fond of the air in my lungs.

I think perhaps I understand what was meant about ‘isn’t death required’ now. or like a missing matching visceral part maybe. how for years after those reenactment ‘how I got here’ experiences, I was afraid the doorway was not the past (how i got INTO here), but some trap luring me OUT to someplace else. Or like what if it was ‘getting out’ but I was just too scared to take the leap, cuz why did I keep coming back here each time. Many angles, but too many of them were nearly the opposite of the simple truth…it was a view of literally ‘how I came to be here’. Since then I have a handful of very handy additional angles of perspective which confirm I did indeed make some choice or cross some threshold in coming here to this life or lifetimes, and there are steps I can / will make to climb back out.

doesn’t matter really at this point if it’s a mission or natural developmental process or special training challenge game, or all of those, or none exactly quite like that… I’m going to graduate.

I know what I know and I am working on the challenge and thought maybe they were an ally, better, a contemporary, but it seems sometimes like they can’t see beyond the roles within this weird game I’m just not limited to. Like the romantic, sexual stuff. I have not limited things to those, those seem like well yeah i can do the blue spinning part of the game, sure, yes. But there is something more. . . at least to me it’s more than some romance novel

If one doesn’t feel a calling to get out -not ‘escape’ but graduate, complete the course- whatever, there’s no shame in admitting one is not ready. But that’s what I’m going to do. It’s real to me. There is no reason for me to have had the ‘how I got here’ experience (‘be careful, remember there is no guarantee you’ll be able to make it back out’ , it said, < implying challenge of having come here, and goal of getting out) if it wasn’t within my ability / timing / path to graduate in this life?

Realer than you so far, realer than my hand in front of my face, realer even than the air in my lungs, though I’m extremely fond of the air in my lungs…

IRRELEVANT >> all the physical events and developments are like loops, they loop, they are looping… they are relatively um static and er loopy from the graduation vision glimpse, but they are not dead dead , they are in a different mode frequency errr from the edge of the ring of sphere of physical reality there were many loops.  and then off the OTHER direction from the ‘what this place was/summary’ was the ‘new realm’ / horizon kind of calling

so that is some of what is real or most important to me

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I’ve been reading the wanderer’s handbook cuz the same person turned me onto some other stuff that has been key as far as reading external info goes anyway. um, i don’t feel like horribly homesick like the letters from ‘wanderers’ keep mentioning, and I’ve not had the issues with extreme sensitivity, physically speaking, like allergies (though i guess yeah i’m sensitive to synthetic substances (oh yeah and light and sound are too intense when others dont seem to notice) but I can almost sort of adjust the sensitivity ,and my physical health has pretty much been excellent and resilient) //– but I feel a kind of affinity in reading about these similar perspectives in that some remember another place or a mission, and I like the parts about assisting, serving, BRINGING ENERGY TO REL CLOSED SYSTEMS, er aspects of the book. But I lost my chain of thought… I would say I don’t relate to the extreme homesickness of at least the beginning of the book submissions, but yet reading this is seemingly helping me somehow place some sadness. Like one of the readers says ‘filled with a mixture of joy and sadness’ re: the state of this realm and humanity’s level of development. I guess it’s right on time for being a reminder of light when small but insidiously-so events make me shocked at the barbarism of so many people here. but um HOW I RELATE TO IT BASICALLY:

I know i basically came here to just ‘BE’ like just in coming to this density and resonating/BEING who I am and what I know will benefit this realm. As mentioned I tend to like to see it in an enrgy/info systems way like ‘opening the energy feeds from sourceside’. They are already there, as even relatively closed systems are obviously connected to source flow or they wouldn’t exist. And there are benefits to some systems for isolating such like, yet then there seem to be some runaway / rogue fledgling systems that get way closed off (or maybe that’s part of the natural growth process too, I suspect so) and I guess that’s where I came in. to open things up and bring in more Energy (light, source, love, whatever you want to call it or focus on, though as time goes on i think the draw of the polar beings stuff is that it has to do with love energy which is stronger than other ways of looking at that, or other modes, depending on how one is looking at it).  that’s pretty much all I know for sure.

hell, as far as STO and STS goes, I wouldn’t be surprised if many or even most souls go through the STS path and poof into rel non-existence before choosing the path that aligns with larger order / continuous life. but whatever….minor possible debate intersections. sufficient to say, I see a larger serpentine circuitry and it all balances

I know there is indeed a ‘veil’ type thing but it’s just as much physics as any intentional star treky prime directive need to lay low. As mentioned my first memory was basically like “ok here is what i know from outside of here, let’s review BEFORE the laws of HERE make me forget.” and why would that be a top priority? except for in a realm where logic and so justice and etc etc are oftentimes so convolutedly confused they are opposite of larger realm / TRUE order.

That said, I have always felt some inner directive to do just that –to lay low, but not like hide more like ‘when in Rome’. –which reminds me, is the exact kind of vibe I tend to pick up on from other similar types– or is one of their more positive traits.

because, Again, I know the most fundamental part of my mission is to just successfully be here –to Occupy, lol.

I remember working at my first job at a fast food place and it is the only conscious ‘blend in and lay low’ thought I’ve had. but i was sipping the orange drink and pink lemonade combo I’d made and that’s what ‘the signal’ said, like this is a first part of actively engaging in the world in some very mundane way.  so anyway it’s never seemed boring to me, the limits. and i don’t get depressed. it’s part of it, the pressure is just part of the conditions.

I keep trying to finish the thought. I don’t relate to the extreme homesickness I guess.  I feel like it’s because on some basic level I knew this was part of the challenge,, and but yet (in addition to the basic known of being here to resonate higher realm vibes) I’d like to think I can also more fully celebrate and utilize my extra hard won free will in this dense density. There are very few people who I’ve shared this layer of perspective with, because there is no need, and yet now I know others like me exist and I’d like to see what kind of synergy ‘light bringing’ / system nurturing/aligning powers we can be, by TALKING , DISCUSSING among our er kind WHILE HERE.

I know in the graduation vision thing the frequencies  I or we were going through were basically ‘future frequencies’  that humans / 3rd density beings would evolve through, but we were just visiting. like a decompression area. or that’s one of the impressions I get… so i don’t know if that means I came more from 5th or what, but I don’t have much personal context for time wars 4d type of angles, i feel more um integrated, i don’t know a better word. more strong with beingness and Love and higher Order. like simple stuff but so twisted here, just having ever known Logos and Love and being here is like the mission….it seems….

live and learn… it’s neat how even though i don’t pick up a lot of New patterns very often just living more keeps settling them all into clearer context, that also seems to match up to and help recall/realign with that original purpose here. um like the door way reenactment, the warning, that was just like a warning on an airplane door about pressure dangers like after I’d already chosen to come here,I had to put the suit on and walk down the launch thing and pull the lever myself and those were the signs / reminders of what I was choosing // ‘how I got here’.  –rather than being some leering jeering ‘and you might never make it back out ever againnnnnn’ demon trickster or something. lol

there is a tiny lizard who lives in my kitchen sink. I’ve named him Amaranth. He cocks his head to listen to me when I talk to him. I almost accidentally dismembered him yesterday cleaning juicer parts. I think there might be a safer place for him, but he loves the water. maybe the guest room bathroom… thinking…

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that’s the ‘only’ time I feel lost or crushed is when I become enmeshed in ‘A-influence’ bubble WITHIN the B-influence bubble (which is embedded with laws of larger order geometry..more Logos aligned). [the A bubble is a subset of B bubble] This is why I’ve wondered off and on over some others’ imbibing of pop culture. I wonder about some people in particular I know and if they have a personal connection to larger order –or how much of a connection compared to A-influence nest perspective. Taking in a lot of A-influence to uild an inner bubble…seems mainly good at cluttering up the view outside, which to me makes this place feel heavy and crushing, instead of one perspective-shift away from ‘back outside again’. (if it was a tickly zip through my ‘third eye’ to *see* it one time, then how hard can it be??? hmm a zip through the crown perhaps…?)

the main ‘most existential/B-realm’ experiences (those perspective-shifts) happened a couple of steps from ‘spontaneous’ (intention, but unfolded through a chain of steps), but all others (spontaneous clearest sight/feeling/pattern stuff), like the totally spontaneous OBEs, seemed to unfold because of 2 things:

1. –abundant flowing energy (Robert Bruce’s Astral Dynamics (skip to energy raising) has been super) –happens naturally because of personal vibration, and/or can be turned up / aligned more
2. –understanding ‘mind split’ for each ‘realm barrier’ crossed back toward physical, and how the most-physical version/layer trumps in conscious memory bank of the experience, unless something about a less-physical layer is made to stand out -such as telling oneself to remember, sometimes can make it ‘download’ to most-physical layer of the memory of the experience.

Opening flow / channeling energy / charging dantian, makes it all work better, fixes many problems, and keeps intention/results and such clearer because it unfolds as it will;;; all I need to do is scoop up energy and channel and/or charge, or whatever combination… and whatever I’m Working on; to whatever I’m called; it generally goes better.

of if I’m feeling more motor>inspiring>intellect I just feel my isness, like what I Know of larger order and let it align me, and then the Energy flow follows. to me the energy raising exercises are more intellect>inspiring>motor because i have to be all intellectually curious or ‘activated’ to want to do those conceptual exercises, whereas sometimes I can just Be and feel the powerful flow/flexibility of Order

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re-considered building options in my ‘can i be living on the land before the lease is up at this adorable plus spiders, near lake, rental house?’ um challenge. I have not only re-priced everything, but generally tilted whole project toward higher odds of success by choosing only materials that can be gotten at any home improvement type store (tilted away from ‘totally natural’ but overall I feel it’s more permaculture to make those ‘shortcuts’ where I can be living sustainably that much sooner// if I’m waiting on funds for and delivery of magnesium oxide cement and burlap from across the country, I’m also living a disposable lifestyle // throwing money away). I have found a second pair of hands relatively nearby, interested, willing and able to get away to help on the 2-day and 5-day trips quite flexibly, and we agreed on terms. I just need to find some machinery rental specifics and then we’re on for first construction trip either end of this month or first week of next. I don’t see why I can’t get 1 phase done each 4-6 weeks –which in reality prob means 6. and will have to pause for a couple months in winter …

So lately when/if I ask myself what is this all for again? instead of an amorphous clutter in my head with specific but far off convoluted seeming goals, it’s a 1,2,3 step plan –actually 5 phases from Zero to ‘finished: roofed, rain-collecting, well drained and trenched, anchored house type structure ready for interior finishing’.

It’s relieving and satisfying to be on a track moving forward –rather than the ever expanding ‘optimal materials’ grand overview of Everything perspective, up against : ‘where the fuck to start’, mixed with ‘real world limitations’. Now I can see after phase 5 (standing there in complete house) it will be much less daunting to tackle the power system, getting that collected water filtered and sent where it needs to go === liveable place to live and I can perfect / comfy-ize the rest later. Yay: Breaking down a big puzzle into smaller bits.

I find it interesting that only in the last week have I gotten images of the land *later on, ‘developed’ and comfy*, but like I’m THERE –more than I have with anything in life really. It’s not like ‘exactly’ how it will be but it could be. it’s REAL like a real moment in life or a snapshot of one, like a lot is ‘probable’ and that’s why it’s so clear in those bursts, but the most variable specifics are still just frozen moments of the possible specifics. For example, I SAW the outside of the house and it had a garage type thing and I was like oh yeah that’s a good idea, hadn’t thought of that. –and see that’s what I can use the scrap ‘fabric cement framework’ pieces I snip off the ground for. I want SOME kind of area outside the roundhouse structure for power/water, between the house and greenhouse. so a garage / power / water controls room will be built with the scraps I wasn’t sure WHAT to do with. now i just have to see how that affects the footprint shape, for how that might affect phase 2 trenches around perimeter, for how taht might affect phase 1 general site boundaries and leveling. also in the ‘vision’ it was darker brown that I’d probably have thought of using, but it’s ‘correct’. it should be like tree bark color I think now…ooo maybe camo treetop colors on roof yeahh