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Ultraquiot – part one

where to go with this, where else but further expression of what i need to find the words for, but not all of this is what could consist of truth with all of its percentage points adding up and stoking the fires of righteous indignation that overfill my grail with these intense emotions of both betrayal and cold acceptance of the turns in this game… even for as late as the game is now, i need to adapt or die in this newly informed social order that has accrued without me, but what use is it to give out this much clear information at once?… i was enjoying a slightly better mutual friendship with my longtime live-in lover, many times i have been the untrustworthy one between the two of us and for that i have piled regret up to the doorstep in the demand for restitution, or even the one without the same mapping of mutual benefit that would have naturally lead to a more profound relationship instead of being tired and unfulfilled… my bedroom prowess is yes handy but of no practical value as i remain diseased and without profound involvement with others who would appreciate the bullshit minutia that seems to evolve from my presence alone, but of course this kind of a build-up leads us to the next part of this story, and thus are the more personal details where i only exclude names in an attempt to purge the demons that have infested my emotions into a remoteness of spirit when in close proximity of my ex and her new lover who live with me for now without further persecuting myself or those others as they are involved even as i care not whether this is embarrassing or not to speak of… it was revealed after many arduous years passing between solely she and i that another person not only liked her but was on the same wavelength as she feels in wanting to create a working homestead outside of the average constraints of shitty living (aka living in the city), and within days of this revelation, she and he had coitus delectus in the park… now she had informed me of her interest in our relationship becoming an open one many months ago, but now i suppose i was not as accepting or ready for the transition once she found her matching other so soon, though now i still live with her and he sleeps with her in the bedroom while i sleep out in the living room on the couch whenever i can sleep at all… i feel as though i am acting like the child in overstating how deeply wounded i feel by this turn of events as if i were asleep this entire time, and my eyes are now opened to the truth of the matter, now i just wish them as far away from me as possible all the damn time… even sharing the bonding experience of toking does nothing to reinforce a positive locomotion for peaceful cross-communication as i have much history with my ex-lover as terribly difficult to defend against when in a one-on-one screaming confrontation, to her anger i am no match as has been the case reinforced in the complete relationship previous to these moments taken for granted now, and i no longer want to touch her rotting corpse which has before been injured by a strain of the violence i have inflicted upon her life which at times has been shared between us as an animosity for which no apologies will band-aid… she states that she is sorry for this abrupt ending, but i find i cannot forgive her in the same way that she has never forgiven me nor my ignorant appeals of apology, Here i am facing immediate change of attitude without her as a buffer for the things i need to own up to my casual blunders in order to face the future properly… i need another love interest, but feel awkward in general among the stupid people i desire to be mine in short fantastic realities which came true that one night i saw the Melvins live, and i slept with a girl into the wee hours of the morning where the regret chased us both into those suspicious days after what seemed like an okay exchange of energy became an isolating debt created by a lazy drunken attitude more than a month after the actual incident… four plus months later as my open relationship girlfriend is telling me she fucked another boi the day after it happened, and i reveal this fact of interest to which i was sworn to secrecy by the one i slept with, this cements the schism between us as now wholly just roommates and not even good friends any more as i would wish them both to go and do their thing in a diplomatic way even though the bitter animosity sits inside me as they still reside with me… there is so much that it would take many chapters to elaborate upon this personal social mess so created, i still isolate myself to a certain extent from connecting with others unless drunk, and yes it is a cop-out…

Thanks, khet.