a Goon from the womb.

to be quite honest i have never had a great relationship with my father put mildly, always searching for something that eludes all those who demand to possess it to this day, and that is wealth plain and simple… always on his part though with more than a little selfish motivation i believe driving him deeper into the materialist abyss that intrudes on us Here, it is not his fault he is one of those people that from childhood gave into the passive nature of being told what to do next, and waiting for a time when one can do whatever it is they want to do right then to the point of burning themselves out completely whether in the drive to be that better salesperson or to have the family envied over while fucking your then wife… achievement of even half of all these things was never simple to do, but it was done to your satisfaction enough that you could suddenly realize that what you wanted to do had nothing to do with wife or kids even as the second wife seemed to have dropped into your lap, it was time to leave the losers behind when they couldn’t live up to your expectations for how the world should work for you since you made the effort to participate with those whom you believed were the better people in life to associate yourself with… wanting something different now that you had hit that middle section of age learned of through hearsay and idle gossip about the mid-life crisis, upon which bandwagon you seemed to jump upon from this point of view, but i am sure it wasn’t all fun and games as soon as the family became a non-entity to some degree as keeping up appearances isn’t all it is cracked up to be i am sure you have learned by now… I am my own person without you, and i hope all my big words are not too much or too abstract for you, it is amazing how little skill i have in speaking to others about responsibility… i don’t want any of your stupid pig’s blood (money) even as you join the rest of the gang-rape that heralds the coming rays of the apocalypse even though you serve not with faith in your dirty deeds, but rather with a distorted worldview at the lead… my dick Nixon/ Vietnam dad never saw combat, but instead allowed himself to be used by the system as a further corruption of youth, bomb disposal young bastard in Guam… like every other part of the son he allowed to contribute half his genes for, but quickly forgot that being a father could be much different than what he was raised with… what do i know, though, having never reached out to inform me of anything in some family-oriented natural world… the odd feeling of shame is one that is mutual, i am ashamed to have to even begin imagining bowing down to a bullshit insensitive never-cares person who thinks about me as an obligation, and you should have thought about that more before you had hit my mother’s egg with your trohl’s seed… you are NOT the one who had to take care of the two children directly so you are the naively selfish prick there, the person you are talking to feels emptier than ‘mister aggressive sales bitch’ over Here in reading this letter… all you have ever done with others like me is shuffle the burden around to others paid to aid as you try to cultivate your opinion, never trying to understand anything about your old family plans because you never got to know them, and that was your fault from the start as you seemed to prefer buying people into your confidence or making money to prove that you could do oh-so much for them… obviously, that was a lie at least from the perspective of the son because it has been very difficult to tell where you are a genuine human being and can stop yourself from being an asshole towards me and mine, and just dismissing myself and sister-dear onto our mother because you can’t take it like a real human being instead of the egocentric piece of shit you are… i say this fully acknowledging that this horrid trait has been passed down to me through your bloodline for centuries waiting for us to despise each other, and you are never really to blame as a father-figure, you coward… all this now because i should be so much more mature… i am a piece of shit with genes this unguided, but what did you think?… did you think it would just smooth out eventually if you just sat back and made money like some bloated old fat cat?… i am amazed how things twisted and turned to make things this way, and all throughout this cycle people just kept making stupid decisions without being honest with their stupid behavior, always causing more problems because you and i aren’t honest with each other… oh you can criticize me until you are blue in the face, but can you actually see the person you helped create?… no… you just abuse words to throw up a defensive act… generations raised in ignorance can’t be blamed as the bad parents, as obviously the tangent you tend to shoot for has all the money, and yet you are struggling too just like the rest of us trapped into ruining this once sociopathic culture… scratching to hang on like the rest of the empty pride-filled dinosaurs reborn as human slaves dying for the dollar bill… you could have been much different a father and person if you had stuck by your immediate family, but you were drawn away by shallow ideals about wealth back before when you should have known better, when it was trendy for the young kids to start being business tycoons in their own right… as i have learned recently though, one cannot have unlimited growth as an earlier time period predicted with limited resources always getting used too infrequently by newer generations, and there are so many things i have wanted to share with you but felt as though your critical dismissal would not respect my purest opinion… making me feel, when i speak to you, as though i should never have an opinion because i have no experience here… this fact makes me feel worse than if i had no father, interactions with you lack compassion, and you will have a helluva a time finding that from me when this is the only impression i have from you… this is what you have taught me without teaching me, and yet you are another person being lied to, teachers deserve respect especially the passionate ones as they are the only ones left to make this world better from the likes of lackluster parenting like yours… too many dead beat parents with dead beat children and you are one of the many here, boy, and are still as immature as i am which is why i use the term loosely… i don’t need your money this year or any other year for a birthday i would rather forget, no cards either because i know you can’t say anything real to me with the creativity you lack, and it is so nice to have inherited this lack of respect because no one could be a male role model for me when i needed it… this is what i get because you decided it was best to leave Mary, and this is what you get because i am so angry and frustrated with myself that i don’t want to suffer like this anymore and i am tired of your half-assed attempts because this is never about money or help, money is only a weak substitute for respect and compassion and the help you could have given me that is long overdue and faded into the sunset, my friend… i am just like you, i suppose, in that if it is spelled out i can understand it… if it even seems a veiled attempt at betraying my trust, then ‘fuck you, buddy’… i agree, but that is where i am wrong and you are wrong, then it does become us versus them and so on until it is me against you… which you don’t seem to have any problems with, at least none that you would feel the urge to talk with me about… the more you feel people can hurt you, the weaker you become, but no one can simply hide that pain behind the ‘life-as-usual’ facade whether it is you or me doing the hiding… as i write this, i feel a greater sense of compassion welling up inside of me for my father as though i am trying to teach him a lesson he must learn before he leave this place, and it doesn’t make any sense to be this disappointed with you… i am only sad that everyone else has to be the enemy for you because they don’t tend to think like you, or fall into the same trends of group mentality as you do, but you are a beautiful person somewhere underneath the trohl lust for money and fitting-in that has been created… i could still be your son, but only if you are ever willing to accept me for who i am, not buy me off like taxes or some financial burden that stays heavy on your back with time…

Thanks, khet.

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